In a world where people go to movies with titles like “Alien Versus Predator,” life has apparently imitated art. From an Internet friend, a veteran lawyer who spends a lot of time in Russia, we learn of an incident in Kamchatka where a 1500 pound bear spotted a shark of Great White size in the shallows, and attacked it as if it was a Super-Sized Filet-o’-Fish.
The shark did not take kindly to this. The result was apparently an epic battle of big scary fish versus big scary mammal.
The fish won. The shark apparently tore a foreleg completely off the great bear, which then bled to death.
It was posted on a closed forum, populated heavily by attorneys. Interestingly enough, sympathy was originally with the bear. (So much for professional courtesy, I guess.) We erect bipedal mammals apparently tend to relate to sometimes-erect and bipedal mammals, and reflexively stick together.
Personally, I invoked the oath of impartiality and took the side of the fish, citing self-defense. The original poster – a seasoned criminal defense attorney, remember – agreed. “Mas is right,” he said. “Think of it this way – when the bear went into the water, he became a home invader.”
Alas, we on the Shark Defense Team have our work cut out for us. Opposing counsel will try for sympathy by claiming that after years of living paw-to-mouth on salmon-sized fish to feed its 1500 pound body, the bear was merely trying to Live The Dream with a fish meal the size of the star of “Jaws.”
Yes…the bear “was just starting to turn his life around.”
To win in the case of Estate of Ruined Bruin v. Shark, I expect there will be a “state of mind of the defendant” issue, so we’ll also have to bring in expert testimony from an ichthyologist to explain why the shark killed the bear “in cold blood.”
As a consultant to the defense team, I’ll also recommend that we call as a material witness Henry Winkler, who played Fonzie on the old TV show “Happy Days.” He of all people should be able to testify that it’s NEVER a good idea to “jump the shark.”
Bear (ouch) in mind that I’m going strictly on principle here. Personally, I’d be much more inclined to dine on shark filet than brown bear steak. Last week, I taught a second-level class in the Pacific Northwest that included one student whose job description includes control of brown bears in Alaska. He assures me (I’ll take his word for it at this point) that at least on the North American side of the Bering Strait, brown bear meat tastes like rotting fish. On the other hand, I can tell you from personal experience that grilled shark tastes very much like swordfish, and is particularly delectable with lemon butter.
But, hey, you’re the jury. What’s YOUR verdict?
