In a world where people go to movies with titles like “Alien Versus Predator,” life has apparently imitated art. From an Internet friend, a veteran lawyer who spends a lot of time in Russia, we learn of an incident in Kamchatka where a 1500 pound bear spotted a shark of Great White size in the shallows, and attacked it as if it was a Super-Sized Filet-o’-Fish.

The shark did not take kindly to this.  The result was apparently an epic battle of big scary fish versus big scary mammal.

The fish won. The shark apparently tore a foreleg completely off the great bear, which then bled to death.

It was posted on a closed forum, populated heavily by attorneys. Interestingly enough, sympathy was originally with the bear. (So much for professional courtesy, I guess.) We erect bipedal mammals apparently tend to relate to sometimes-erect and bipedal mammals, and reflexively stick together.

Personally, I invoked the oath of impartiality and took the side of the fish, citing self-defense. The original poster – a seasoned criminal defense attorney, remember – agreed. “Mas is right,” he said. “Think of it this way – when the bear went into the water, he became a home invader.”

Alas, we on the Shark Defense Team have our work cut out for us. Opposing counsel will try for sympathy by claiming that after years of living paw-to-mouth on salmon-sized fish to feed its 1500 pound body, the bear was merely trying to Live The Dream with a fish meal the size of the star of “Jaws.”

Yes…the bear “was just starting to turn his life around.”

To win in the case of Estate of Ruined Bruin v. Shark, I expect there will be a “state of mind of the defendant” issue, so we’ll also have to bring in expert testimony from an ichthyologist to explain why the shark killed the bear “in cold blood.”

As a consultant to the defense team, I’ll also recommend that we call as a material witness Henry Winkler, who played Fonzie on the old TV show “Happy Days.” He of all people should be able to testify that it’s NEVER a good idea to “jump the shark.”

Bear (ouch) in mind that I’m going strictly on principle here. Personally, I’d be much more inclined to dine on shark filet than brown bear steak.  Last week, I taught a second-level class in the Pacific Northwest that included one student whose job description includes control of brown bears in Alaska. He assures me (I’ll take his word for it at this point) that at least on the North American side of the Bering Strait, brown bear meat tastes like rotting fish. On the other hand, I can tell you from personal experience that grilled shark tastes very much like swordfish, and is particularly delectable with lemon butter.

But, hey, you’re the jury. What’s YOUR verdict?

1 COMMENT

  1. I’m with the shark. I don’t care if someone leaves the door open with cash sitting on the table (what the bear saw as an easy target) you’re going to be in a world of hurt if that person is serious about their defense. Which, now that I mention it they probably wouldn’t be if they left the door open with cash sitting on the table. Still, the point is the same.

  2. Concur with you 100% Mas. Sharky did not go lookin for Bear meat as it is difficult for him to fire a weapon. He(Sharky) saw Bear as a threat to his life and did his best to stop the threat. If only all self defense trials were soo easy!

  3. The shark was convicted of first degree homicide.

    The foreman for the Jury a Mr. W. t. Pooh stated after the trail that he regarded it as an open and shut case. “As for my fellow jurors Yogi, Paddington, Mary Plain, Boo-boo, Smokey, Biffo, Gladly – who despite insinuations by the defence had no difficulty viewing the evidence, Rupert, Ben – and he wouldn’t hurt a fly, Baloo and that one who lives in the Big Blue House, we all agreed. Break out the lemon butter! That shark’s going to FRY!”

  4. Yes, the shark’s home was invaded. The bear being the symbol of Russia; no wonder they sided with him. Did the shark’s pool table get any blood on it? The 3/4 ton bear I’m sure did a lot of damage to the Great White. My instincts say the fish died within 3 days. But, he did get the glory. Me, I won’t eat raccoon, bear, crow or other scavengers. Love those articles written by Ayoob in Combat Handguns… If we could teach the bear to use a harpoon. Hmm.

  5. Since some person or entity must own the land the battle took place on, I would be looking to sue the landowner. Obviously their negligence allowed for the shark to show up in the usual Bear lunch spot. I would think precedence could be found in the “waiter, there’s a fly in my soup” civil cases. While the Bear may loose the criminal case, I would be looking to a big payday on the civil side. Just wondering how you’re gonna locate the relatives?

  6. As the shark was entering the shallow waters, perhaps the bear thought it was going to continue to go right up on land (no one said that bears were zoologists), and it was a pre-emptive strike?

    I have not eaten brown bear, but I had black bear when I was a kid (my father got some meat from a friend just back from a hunting trip to Maine), and it tasted like… a candlestick. No one at the table could swallow more than a bite of it. But, we had shark all the time (I grew up on Cape Cod), and you are right, it can be very tasty.

    I feel bad for the bear. Such chutzpa. It was a fish too far, but you have to admire the attempt.

  7. Well Mas, I’ve never tried bear but agree with you that grilled shark is delicious! I must also go along with you in citing the bear as the “home invader” and that the shark acted in self defence.

    Having said that, if I were to stumble across the two fighting it out, I would stand aside and hope for mutually assured destruction. This applies to such sterling citizens as rival street gangs.

  8. Your honor, I object to labeling the victim as a “home invader.” He was merely tending to the “bear” necessities of life.

  11. As a coastal resident, I know full well that our answer lies as to the location of the “tidal line” of said incident in question. Below it,the shark wins,with damages.Above it..sorry,you were encroaching Mr. G. White.

  12. wow Mas,

    Signs you may have spent a little too much time being an expert witness.

    Clearly the bear had an acute failure of the Victim Selection Process.

  13. 45er’s comment reminds me of something I was told years ago by someone who had lived in Saudi Arabia. He said that when the Muslim shopkeepers were called to prayer in the middle of the day, they left their shops open & unattended while they were gone. He said that even though you could walk into a jewelry store with thousands of dollars worth of gold & jewelry lying around within easy reach & with no witnesses in sight, there was very little theft. The reason was that the penalty for theft was cutting the thief’s hands off in public where everyone could see what happens to thieves. I don’t know if this is or was actually true, or if it’s apocryphal, but the lesson to be learned is that things may not always be as easy as they seem to be.

  14. That bear should have left the water when the ominious music started playing. After watching JAWS, I don’t get in the bathtub before checking for dorsal fins first. A large bear’s jaws don’t even begin to match the bite radius of a decent sized shark whose teeth are more numerous and much sharper. Yup, that shark has all the cards in it’s favor.

  15. I have tried bear, not sure if the same type but it far from “Rotten Fish”. It is a bit gamey if not cooked right, and no matter what is tough but is quite tasty.

  16. Stop! Stop! my head is still reeling from the bad puns! There should be a law to protect innocent civilians from the wanton and senseless slaughter of the kings language…… 🙂

  17. LOL I will side with whoever I can pressure can, and put in the pantry! I will have to take your advice on brown bear, but canned black bear tastes pretty good.

    Gail can you please allow Mass another Rolling Rock? This cracked me up!

  19. Thanks Mas, I needed a chuckle. I’ve not had brown bear but have had black bear and found it quite tasty. Also shark steak is good… as is raccoon.

  20. Mas, as a career cop, I could never understand why the onus always comes back on the (citizen ) defender. This is why I and so many other cops in NH are pressuring our reps and senators to override the governor’s veto of a castle doctrine bill. The vote is Sept. 7th. May the shark win…be well, Jack

  21. Thanks Mas, for the good story. I guess I’ll have to side with the bear.

    Now that you bring up the subject of the Predator movie, in its various episodes: I was telling my wife just the other day that the movie was anti-hunting. She had never looked at it that way. I had to explain that the Predator was on Safari to this world for trophies in combat with homo sapiens. The Predator would gut and skin his “harvest” it never showed if it dined as well. But he did take trophies, the skulls. It also used superior weaponry, for his kill.Sound familiar anyone?

  22. Not too sure about Brown bear, or Griz or Kodiak, for that matter, but Black bear is quite tasty. One of my sisters cooks it like a ham and it’s mouth watering.
    Or maybe we were just hungry as bears.
    But shark… mmmm, fill my platter again, please. Few foods whet my appetite like fish of any kind.
    On a personal note, had I been on the jury, I’d have had to side with Mssr. Shark: his domicile was forcibly entered and it was his duty as a True Child of Nature to defend it to the best of his ability.
    I’m happy to report there are very few liberals in nature, and those who venture there are soon consumed by Mssrs. Shark and Bear. It’s only justice, as even a lib would agree: Survival of the Fittest and all that jazz, don’tch’ya know?

  23. I had black bear meat once (at least it was claimed to be) in a stew
    served before one of the Second Chance Shoots back in 1982. It tasted alright, kind of tough and chewy but edible.

    Looks like the jury is against the bear on this one, which may leave it’s relatives open to a civil lawsuit and resulting in big money damages. If the bear family is short on cash to pay up, I’m sure the shark will be happy to make them a loan.

  24. It sounds like a grizzly situation but really, the furry one had his rights violated because remember, HE HAD THE RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS and he lost one…

  26. Obvious statement: we are applying the rules of man to nature. Fair enough. But let us look at the rules of nature. To nature, neither animal was right or wrong (by law). Both were looking for fish to kill and eat. And when the shark was attacked, it merely did what instinct directed and defended itself. If we had to apply some sort of order to this we could surmise the the shark was in the right, not due to circumstances of the event, but because IT LIVED.

    While the bad guy who beaks into your house and kills you will probably go to jail, he won (in a strict nature kinda way). While anyone on here will emphasize the importance on knowing and following laws with regards to gun ownership and use, speaking in a strictly primal way, the one who LIVES… is right.

    Be prepared!

  28. Hey now, the bear was trying to be a good neighbor and tell the shark he left his garage door open. That’s when the shark over reacted and attacked the poor bear.

    Mr. bear is a model citizen, he was released from prison on good behavior!

    When I first read the headline, I thought “Oh great another Discovery program”. Discovery has done a lot of stuff like Ninja versus Cowboy or Samurai versus Gladiator stuff. Heh the professional courtesy line was great.

    @Tim- Yeah I saw an article on that. I love how the UK always says stuff like “We won’t be a gun culture like the US!” I’m sure the politicians in the UK (and some in the US) think that it’s the trigger that pulls the finger…

  29. Don’tcha just wonder what was going thru the bear’s mind about thirty seconds into the encounter?

    “Uh . . . hey . . . what the heck . . . I don’t remember ever having this much trouble . . . OW . . . geeze, lookit those teeth . . . OWWW . . . ”

    😉

  30. Question: What’s the big difference between meat and fish?

    Answer: If you beat your fish, they’ll die!

  31. Now hang on a second Jim, the shark had a right to “bear arms” as well!

    I can’t help but be reminded of the Twix commercial a few years back… “If you have two of something, you should share!”

    In this case, it looks as if nobody won… except the lawyers 😉